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Of course we're nowhere.


July 17th, 2004

The Endless Road @ 07:31 am

Current Mood: twitterpated
Current Music: Tangled Up In Blue

The title above is from Bob Dylan's "Changing of the Guard" - it came to mind while I was trying to decide what to write upon just seeing "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" for the first time.

This was another movie that hurt to watch - not that it wasn't good - quite the contrary; but it's difficult to watch a picture perfect image of your own faults. In the same way that I was speechless, shocked and left melancholy after watching "Punch Drunk Love", this movie was painful for me. It was more than merely a drama, it was also a character study on psychogical development.

I only wish I knew what the message is to people like Joel who see this movie; is it to sacrifice for others? Is it to put someone ahead of yourself even for the little things? Is it to step away from your pattern behaviour & do something you consider uncharacteristic?

I have the feeling that the answer is only barely eluding my grasp... as if I'm trying too hard to attain it, so it'll be a step ahead until I decide to let it come to me.
 

June 20th, 2004

The Eternal Damnation of the One-Track Mind @ 10:44 pm

It's been a year and a half.... I've been single all this time, and it's because I can't get over her. The first week that we met became a template for what a relationship with her would be like... she did things that would make my trust in her falter, though innocent enough; free of malice. I knew I'd spend less time with her than time thinking about what she was doing when away from me.

And we weren't right for each other... I have no illusions about that. In fact, we were pristinely wrong for each other... from the start there were little beacons here and there telling me something I wouldn't learn without hindsight. The first week we knew each other was the best... but even then, Coldplay's "Warning Signs" was the song we both ended up remembering from the night she stayed at my apartment.

I wish I was over her, but I'm not. I'm not sure that I still love her. I know I wouldn't go out with her again. I don't miss the constant arguing and fighting over stupid miniscule crap...

but I do miss how, for a time, she made me feel luckier than how I thought I was.
 

June 19th, 2004

Her profession's her religion.... her sin is her lifelessness @ 07:14 pm

Current Mood: indifferent indifferent
Current Music: Desolation Row - B.D.

I wonder these days what the hell normalcy is.
Need Nytol to sleep, coffee to wake up, Prozac to keep from killing yourself, Paxil to keep from killing others, alcohol to loosen up, steroids to get bigger, diet pills to get smaller, and so on, and so on.

When you come to terms with addiction you realize you're dependant on a variety of reasons for a variety of things, not dependant on a variety of things for a variety of reasons as you try to tell yourself and try to convince others when confronted on it.

It seems like our culture is wrapped around it, like it goads us into self-defeating behavior and habits; ever since James Dean cigarettes have been COOL... it doesn't matter how effective the scare tactics of the pseudo-noble anti-smoking "Truth" campaign is, James Dean and Humphrey Bogart made it look COOL first, and COOL is always more effective than smart.

The celebrity canon is rife with overdoses, young deaths attributed in one way or another to drugs and/or alcohol, either accidental deaths or suicides... many of our exalted heroes - survivors and casualties alike - formed some dependency or another to "cope with the pressures of fame" which they strove for either directly or subconsciously in the first place. Kurt Cobain took up heroin as a way to deal with his mysterious stomach pains, which, easy as it as to write off as nonsense, runs in his family. Bob Dylan took a pharmacy's worth of cocktails to keep constantly writing, sometimes staying up for four days at a time... you've got to have a serious habit if even John "Cold Turkey" Lennon is disgusted by your drug use. The loony Graham Chapman of Python fame was a serious alcoholic, who became such to overcome a crippling shyness - he did eventually knock it, though...

Drug and/or alcohol dependency are serious business... nothing to laugh about. But still, the one thing worse than being an addict is being into self-help. Give me Jimi dead before you even think of giving Tony Robbins a guitar.... one John Tesh in the world is one too many.

There was a point to this... I don't know. I guess it's that we defeat ourselves... but maybe its not completely our own fault... maybe we're set up to.
 

March 2nd, 2004

it's been a while @ 08:57 pm

Current Mood: nervous nervous
Current Music: internet counterstrike

i am a walking train wreck. disaster with legs. things are looking up... i've got money in my pocket, and a shmoke in my hand; and a cute red head beside me.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
red head is intimidating, and likes it.
signed,
nervous dork(who can spell)

love ya, Caren
 

May 1st, 2003

(no subject) @ 09:43 pm

Wish upon stars,
And they fall upon you.
 

April 2nd, 2002

Disgusting Beauty @ 02:35 am

Disgusting beauty,
all around me
is all that I seem to see.

Men, women,
whatever inbetween
struts in front of me

I see all I wish to have
and all I wish to be
goading, nagging, taunting,

all in front of me.
 

March 30th, 2002

I'd HAVE to be bored to be doing this @ 12:51 am

Current Mood: silly silly
Current Music: Eddie Izzard - Dressed to Kill

1. WHAT'S THE STORY BEHIND YOUR LJ USERNAME?
Chiahead... had a fro when I started the LJ. Had a fro in high school when I was first called it.
2. NAME FIVE [5] OF YOUR FAVORITE PIG-OUT FOODS.
McDonalds, pizza, chili, etc

3. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A MAKEOVER?
er, no

4. NAME ALL MEMBERS OF THE BEATLES.
Paul McCartney
John Lennon
George Harrison
Ringo Starr (originally Richard Starkey)
Stuart Suftclift (sp?)
Pete Best (original drummer)
George Martin (greatest producer ever)

5. WHAT'S THE LONGEST TIME YOU'VE STAYED OUT OF THE COUNTRY/WHERE?
Around a day in the States.

6. ONE THING YOU'RE GRATEFUL FOR, TODAY.
The wine in front of me.

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE HIGH SCHOOL MEMORY?
Dropping out. High school is shit.

8. WHAT IS THE MOST INSANE THING YOU'VE DONE FOR/TO YOUR CRUSH THAT HE/SHE MIGHT NOT/MIGHT KNOW ABOUT?
I quit having (or at least referring to them as) "crushes" at about age 12.

9. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM WEDDING.
A nightmare. Marriage is pointless. Read up on it.

10. WOULD YOU EVER JOIN TEMPTATION ISLAND?
Fack awf.

11. NAME THREE [3] TEACHERS YOU LIKED IN HIGH SCHOOL/ELEMENTARY.
Ms. Skinn Ms. Skinn Ms. Skinn.
There ARE two others, but she deserves three mentions.

12. DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE QUOTE? WHAT IS IT?
Have too many to elect a single favorite. The latest I give a fuck about is John F. Kennedy's quote about Canadian/American relations:
"Geography has made us neighbors. History has made us friends. Economics has made us partners. And necessity has made us allies. Those whom nature hath so joined together, let no man put asunder." :)

13. MY FIRST HEARTBREAK HAPPENED WHEN I WAS ...
19.

14. THE SCHOOL PICTURE YOU BURIED IN YOUR BOTTOM DRAWER?
I try to forget all school memories.

15. DO YOU HAVE ANY WEIRD PREFERENCES? WHAT ARE THEY?
No weird preferences, only the lack of any, I suppose.

16. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Anything. That's nature.

17. WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Caren and Paul.

18. NAME ONE TV CHARACTER YOU'D MOST WANT TO BE.
Tony Soprano, baby.

19. IF YOU WERE FAMOUS, AND WERE TO BE A GUEST ON A TALK SHOW, WHOSE SHOW WOULD YOU CHOOSE? WHY?
Either Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, or Letterman, probably Maher's show.
Why? Because it's my favorite show, and I love debate.

20. GIVE YOURSELF A PORN STAR NAME.
Throatwobbler Mangrove

21. DO YOU HAVE ANY WEIRD SLEEPING HABITS?
Not really.

22. WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO THIS SUMMER?
Work. Meh.

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG RIGHT NOW?
Wicked Little Town (reprise) from the Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack.

24. WRITE A LINE FROM ANY SONG.
And there's no mystical design,
No cosmic lover preassigned.


25. DO YOU KNOW AT LEAST ONE DISNEY SONG BY HEART? WHICH ONE?
Nope, but I love the Aladdin soundtrack. :p

26. DESCRIBE YOUR DREAM HOUSE.
Big, comfy, free, and fulla beer.

27. YOUR TYPICAL SLEEPWEAR:
Shirt, joggers.

28. WHAT'S IN YOUR BAG?
Nothin.

29. WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET?
Change.

30. HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR WALLET RIGHT NOW?
Around $4.50

31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PAIR OF SHOES?
The only pair I own. :p

32. IF YOU COULD'VE GONE TO YOUR SENIOR PROM IN A DIFFERENT OUTFIT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Never went! fuck high school, prom, you, and all that bullshit.

33. HOW WAS YOUR SENIOR PROM?
Fack awf.

34. TELL US ABOUT ANY OF YOUR BIRTHDAYS.
Nothing of interest. Lots of people were invited for my 10th, and none at all came.
Scars, scars.

35. WOULD YOU RATHER BE A HOBBIT, AN ELF OR A DWARF?
An elf.

36. WHAT ARE THE FIRST FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD SPLURGE ON IF YOU WERE A BILLIONAIRE?
Beer, travel, clothes, food, and dvds.

37. WHAT IS YOUR DAILY BEFORE-GOING-TO-BED RITUAL?
Getting into bed. Peasant.

38. WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST/FUNNIEST NICKNAME ANYONE HAS EVER CALLED YOU?
Nothing really weird. Or funny. Depending on who you talk to.


39. NAME THREE [3] OF YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTERS
Cartman, Kyle, and Homer.


40. WHAT ARE THE MAGAZINES YOU READ ON A REGULAR BASIS?
Maxim and Stuff.
 

March 23rd, 2002

Ok, I'm semi-drunk, but @ 04:57 am

Current Mood: tipsy
Current Music: The Rogues of Scotland - Scotland the Brave

I thought I'd just post about my pissed-offed-ness about the Colonel dying so young.



Graham Chapman was (is) my favorite of the Monty Python boys. He died two days after my 11th birthday, long before I ever knew who the fuck he was, or anything of the absolutely brilliant writing and acting that he did.

He's the type of guy I would have gotten along with famously, as I'm a bizarre weirdo in love with the same things as he was. Graham loved bad taste. Being politically incorrect.

He was smart as all hell, and equally talented.

I miss ya, you dead bastard.
 

March 22nd, 2002

(no subject) @ 08:38 pm

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: Clint Black - Galaxy Song

so that guy turns out to be alright, but I'm just not trusting him.

There's something "off" about him.

Or I'm just being my paranoid-schitzophrenic self.

No I'm not, yes you are! No I'm not! yes you are..
 

March 21st, 2002

oh my @ 06:50 am

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: Eddie Izzard - Glorious

a guy mailed me in response to my planetout.com personals page... he's the same age as me. Cute, too.

I'm nervous.

And excited.

EEEEeeeee.
 

Of course we're nowhere.